If I'm so happy, I've got everything to lose.
And everytime I see you, I can't stand to stay.
And now it's always raining, you're the one to blame."
--The Subways - I Want To Hear What You Have Got To Say
Today started okay. We woke up, got dressed, made it to work on time. On our way off the highway, Snake lost it. I blew it off, but felt a little hurt. I knew he wasn't 100% okay with me leaving. Why would he be? I walked into work, sat down, and smiled. I had to smile or else I would cry.
After a little bit, I started to feel better, excited even, as things are starting to fall into place. Apparently, Snake couldn't take it anymore. Finally told me everything he's been bottling up, despite telling me that he wouldn't bottle things up anymore. He's hurt, feels like he's losing me.
I don't know how many times one can say, "You're not losing me. I love you." before the other person finally fucking gets it. Before they stop letting their insecurities run their life. And now, I can't focus. I feel like crying. My productivity at work has slowed to a crawl. I'm under ticket quota. All I can think about is Snake, and the effect that his hurt feelings have on me.
I'm scared too. I'm scared I'm going to fall on my face. That I will be made a fool. That I won't be good enough. My strengths overpower those fears. And if I do fail, then I will be a beautiful failure. I will pick myself up, brush off the dirt, and figure it out.
Because that's life. That is how to live. It isn't worth it to live in fear. You can't follow your dreams if you live in fear.
My dreams are worth risking everything for. Time to jump into it.
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